i love new york a ridiculous amount. but sometimes, i feel as if it is a bitter, mean friend that loves to hurt me. tonight i ran into the ex at a bar i've been to a million times. i was having a good night, trying to meet people with an old friend of mine. we were on a hunt for the bar with the cute boys. instead, we go into the same fucking bar as my fucking ex. i saw him immediately. i had no idea what to do so i went to the bathroom to pee because i had had to pee for 3 bars by then. and my poor slightly socially awkward friend had to stand out there with him, who's painfully socially awkward. and then i came out and looked at her and said we were leaving. we got out the door and i burst into tears. i know it's the booze. the alcohol strips away all pretenses. and without my various layers of armor, recently i have been a sad, lonely girl. one who wants to be loved and is incredibly hurt that no one in the world wants to lover her. so the sight of him, who she thought she loved, is as good as a punch to the stomach to bring tears to the eye and nausea to the gut. and i hate the fact that he knows now that he sight of him still bothers me. and it's not as if i'm completely alone. the new guy finally called me back today. i would love for the ex to see me and the new guy together. because i laugh when i with him and i kiss him a lot and i look really freaking happy. unlike tonight when i probably just looked pissed off and like i was going to puke. of all the bars in all the city we had to walk into that one. god damn it all. and now even my pride is hurt because he's going to know that the sight of him still upsets me.

to be honest right now though, i find it difficult to remember what it was like to be in that particular relationship. but i do miss being in A relationship. i wish that had been communicated by my mad dash out of the bar. stupid fucker. i hope he's miserable.