flabbergasted. completely fucking flabbergasted. best date. had the most wonderful time. really enjoyed talking to him. laughed a lot. and while i did think repeatedly about kissing him, i was so interested in the conversation that it clearly wasn't just a physical thing. i didn't want to interrupt him. i had so much freaking fun. and i am so amazingly attracted to him. but no hug, no kiss, no chance to even deny him the oppurtunity to come back to my place.

maybe, like me he's scared. he got dumped a year ago. he knows how it is. he knows how much it sucks. so maybe he's worried about starting something he can't handle. at least right now cause his life is a mess.

or maybe i said something wrong. maybe i'm just not pretty enough. maybe i said something wrong again. i fucked it up with whatshisface by saying the wrong thing, maybe i did again.

but he seemed to have as much fun as i did. so i don't know.

i really don't know. i'm tempted to press my point. to just kiss him and see what happens.

no, i should just let it progress naturally. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

i'm fucking flabbergasted.

but really, best date ever. scary part is that i like him a lot more than i thought i would. a lot more. FUCK! fuck fuck. i'm in trouble.

and

I'M FLABBERGASTED!

okay...new crush is developing much faster than i thought. nothing has happened in the physical or the overt verbalization of any sort of attraction has happened at all. in fact, i could discover that all he wants to be is friends. but there are these things that just wouldn't be happening if this was a friend connection. like him emailing me after we see each other each time. or me texting him with very little real purpose in mind. for some reason, and this sounds incredibly corny and could very likely not be true, but it's like we can't get enough of each other and we just want to stay connected a little bit longer, and a little bit longer. this whole thing ended up in a very awkward conversation today in which i was caught because i was the one who brought up the weekend and i guess possibly hanging out, but then i had nothing to say because i'm too afraid to actually suggest anything. i really don't want to screw this up, at the same time that i have no clue what's going on or what could go on or what! argh....but of course, this is the most fun i've had in a really really long time. god he makes me blush just thinking of him...and the fantasies...of course, they're pretty chaste thus far, but still. like he seriously makes me blush. i could feel the heat radiating off my face. and i'd just been talking to him on the phone! what is wrong with me? what if i'm making this all up again. i seriously gotta figure out a plan...i gotta make this one prove he wants me! god, i sound so fucking manipulative. that's not what i mean. my horoscope said to surrender. and i want to. i cold probably call him right now and he'd answer his phone. i mean, i think he would. argh...this is one of those crushes where i wont' look at his face so he can't really look me in the eye. my expressions are naked. you look in my face and you know what i'm thinking. it's dangerous. for me, i mean. god, he makes me blush.

i'm bad. i've started daydreaming about someone. it's funny how this doesn't mean anything related about what's his face. though slowly i'm beginning (hopefully) to replace missing what'shisface with daydreaming about McMakeMeBlush (yes, i am stealing from greys' anatomy). it's not quite like i'm doing it on purpose. i don't know. i think of this boy (he's 29), and i start blushing. though we had coffee on wednesday and there were these awkward pauses. which i don't like. but i was very tired that day. and nervous. he makes me nervous. god, he's great for fueling daydreams. maybe i won't let anything happen...or at least see how long i can wait until something happens. i have a very strong feeling that something will. already a friend of mine has said that she sees us getting on well together. i was thinking, funny, me too. but what if this makes grad school awkward? it's not like when whatshisface left. cause there's no reason for whatshisface and i to see each other, or worlds were never really intermingled. but mcmakemeblush is in my school, in my program, in my class. it would really suck to mess that up. or to become the object of gossip so soon. oh well....at least i have the daydreams.

one night this past week the roommate and i were sitting at a coffee shop doing our homework. it was right in the hour when the ex used to be in that part of the neighborhood. needless to say i was vigilant. i would read a sentence and look up and look for him. of course we didnt see him. but that's not the important bit. the important part was that i saw so many fucking hot guys walk past that i got a little starry-eyed. that's when i realized. new york is a place where there are many solutions to one problem.

today, i've been just slightly out of sorts. not in a bad mood way, but in a the-edges-dont-meet way. dropping stuff. mistiming things. like getting stuck at school to the point of leaving late and then getting in this in between thing where i'm waiting for my friends to leave one location to go to the next because it doesn't make sense for me to go to the first location. but i had already completely rushed to get ready so now i'm just waiting. all dressed up, somewhere to go, but still just waiting. i could be a figure of solitude, of sadness, in some edward hopper painting. but i'm not. if you were to freeze this moment, there could be so many different interpretations. i think recently i've begun to be able to interpret my own life in many different ways. see all its very different permutations. i think this is a good thing.

sometimes i feel as if i've gone mad. it's been a month and a half and i havent seen him ONCE. my roommate did, but i haven't. it's like we've suddenly ended up in two completely different dimensions. did he fall off the face of the earth? why is it still important that i see him? and what the hell would i say if i did?

one of the things about getting dumped, that i'm just dealing with now, is the consequences of rejection. that sounds obvious, but i'm talking about rejection. how it makes you feel when you're just not good enough for someone. it makes you feel ugly. unlovely. untouchable. like you'll never be wanted again. it's one of those times when i don't even recognize myself in the mirror.

"We shouldn't feel the need to supply a reason for not being in love, but we always do. It is a demand others impose upon us, it is a demand we make on ourselves, and it is a demand we inflict upon our own distant beloveds when they feel forced to turn us down. The fact remains, however, that such things are not subject to explanation, for love, like belief, is neither rational nor voluntary. All we can do is accept, or fail to accept, the excuses that we are given." -gregory dart

my mom says my sadness today is probably good for me. these days of mourning. it's hard for me to see the positive in sitting in the park crying, though. i'm pretty sure i dreamt of him coming back to me last night. i think, in the dream, he said he was sorry and he was in love with me. like i can feel in my body him saying these words to me. even though i don't really remember the dream. this has made today spectacularly hard. because i still think he should be saying those words. i still think we should be together. i still cannot see any logic or reason to his reasons. thus, we should clearly still be together. i keep trying to make sense of why he ended it and the conclusion is still no, there is no sense in it. his reason is a lie. which makes me want to call him and convince him he was wrong. i'm good at debate, i think i could do it.

i saw s. again this weekend. in the stilted and awkward getting to know each other conversations i felt my heart breaking more. it was never like that with him. with he-who-shall-not-be-named, it was easy so quickly. we fell into our relationship like coming home after a long trip. things felt new, but familiar still. it was lovely and felt right and now he's gone. and that makes it all a lie.

i want to remember the good things. i loved our weekends together. i loved sitting on his lap on the couch, kissing his neck and making him laugh. i loved the ease of our conversations, even though i guess we never really talked about the things we should have been talking about. which is why it ended. i loved the way he smiled when he saw me. it was a smile just for me.

i find it extremely hard to believe that i will have the comfort and ease and joy with someone else that i had with him. god, today i miss him so much it physically hurts.

looking at pictures of him is like poking a bruise. and yup, it still hurts.

i think of him mainly while commuting. to and from work, where we used to stand together, being one of those happy couples. at 14th st where i used to kiss him goodbye. other times, i really don't think of him much anymore. i still can picture his face, think of how he looked after making love. god, it still hurts a lot when i think of that face.

happiness. i've discovered it again the past two days. happy me is fun. silly and giggling. funny voices and dirty jokes. happy me is the one most people like to be around, i think. happy me doesn't mind a friday night at home alone, watching tv. it's funny how much peace happiness can give you.

now if only i could figure out how and why i got happy. :-)