here's what i want to say to him:

i like you. in fact, thus far there's not even anything i dislike about you. but, i really do not know you. and i know you don't know me. so i don't want to play the pretend relationship game that happens so often.

what i want is just to spend the next couple of months getting to know you. i want to know what makes you happy, what upsets you, what annoys you. i want to know about your childhood nicknames and whether or not you want children some day. before i attempt to have a relationship with you i want to know what you want and need in a relationship. i don't want to half-blindly walk into another wall. so i want to keep seeing you a couple of times a week, and then if it feels right we talk in between and then maybe we'll start seeing each other all the time. and we'll have a relationship based on mutual admiration and affection. it'll be based on knowledge, not just lust or angst or neediness.

i want you to keep saying the nice things you say. i want to be able to say the nice things i think about you. i want to be able to be openly affectionate. i want us to be able to get mad and get over it.

i don't want to be the stupid, obsessive, neurotic, terrified crazy person i usually am in the beginnings of relationships. i want to be calm. i want to be honest.

ok, this isn't coming out clearly. i'll try again later.

okay, the start of my daily diary. here is today:
-slept in a little, but not too much (10:30)
-worked on the stairs mainly filling the holes with wood putty
-walked to uptown coffee and wrote
-decided to try and keep a daily diary.

i feel like i'm getting sick, so i'm not going to go visit the baby. my throat is hurting, but right now that seems to be the main sympton. okay, this is enough to start.

ohmygod, i'm such a crazy person. proof:

1. i'm 23 and i obsessively read baby blogs, even though i also use birth control AND condoms because i soooo don't want to have a baby right now.
2. i am so nervous about the stupid boy i'm dating that i almost don't want him to come home.
3. it's 11 o'clock on a saturday night and i'm watching titantic.
4. i often choose sitting at home by myself over being social.
5. the boy i like prefers to drive me crazy rather than make me happy.
6. i have no idea why i like him.
7. i don't know why he likes me.
8. the titanic still upsets me.
9. i paid 40 extra dollars to get my birth control early because i won't have sex during my period.

it's august 19th and already the hint of fall is in the air. i don't have my fan on and i'm under a blanket and that's comfortable. of course, i still have bug bites, including a particularly annoying one i just discovered on my butt (i'm wearing boxers and apparently a mosquito climbed on in them). i love the changing of the seasons. there's all that promise of wiping the slate clean, making big changes, feeling free again.

i've just gotten myself into a relationship. not sure what kind, whether it's going to be a positive experience or not. i'm leaning toward the positive, but he drinks a lot and has depressive tendencies, so i don't know. i'm nervous.

my job sucks. i hate it, but they're paying for this year of school, so i'm trying to stick around. everytime i end up crying in my office now i just try and think of the endgame.

the sister is pregnant. it's exciting and scary. very exciting most of all. i haven't really thought about how it's going to change our family forever. big big big.

ugh, i should have eaten more for dinner.

so therapist ordered blogging. well, she called it journal writing, but whatever. something to get all this fucking shit off my chest beyond breaking down and crying for an hour in therapy.

so i'm reading "the noonday demon: an atlas of depression." and honestly it's the hardest book to read for me. i keep nearly bursting into tears. it describes so many things i've felt over the years that i thought were either normal, or you know, not worth mentioning. so here's a short list of some things i should say, some truths i've never told my therapist.



i've excepted suicide into my life. it's like that acquaintaince/friend that you see every few months, that you feel you know well, but that also kinda freaks you out. okay, tha'ts stretching the metaphor, but stilll

dear universe,

did i do something to you? like did i fuck you over in some huge catastrophic way? or did i just annoy so you feel like fucking with me a little, i mean a lot? why is it that myself and everyone around me is fucking miserable? why do we all hate our lives? is no one happy? maybe it's just march or something. maybe no one is supposed to be happy this time of year. it's a bit ridiculous though. the sheer extent of shit that's being flung at my fan. the depression, the anxiety, the stress, the no money, the no boyfriend, the family and best friend far away, the sheer discontent. and it's not like it's just me. everyone around me is fucking falling to pieces. sure, the roommate is getting married. but she's not even thinking about it. and then there's c. and the broken heartedness that she tried to drink away all week. i think she might be done drinking for a little bit, but who knows? she's probably not learned the freaking things she needed to learn from this mess. and then there's k. with her fucked up crazy boyfriend, her aloneness, and then to top it off you, universe, keep fucking with her health. and not just anything, but her babymaking parts. so she's got this anxiety. and my brother is all manners of fucked up, but we knew that, but then you have to make his fiance fucking sick too. and a. is breaking up with her boyfriend, and she's sad and lonely and miserable too. and the company isn't doing as well as we hoped, which is scary. because i'm fucking in charge of marketing and so if our sales don't keep going up it's my fucking fault. and i swear since i fucking started therapy things have gotten a hell of a lot worse and i'm just fucking paralyzed and unable to do anything! and my foot hurts. and it seems like a small thing, but it makes the day suck just that much more. and what is this, i'm running a fucking company and i don't have any money? like come on. less than 200 fucking dollars in my checking account. where the fuck does it all go? maybe to cab rides home for puking sick drunk friends. and c. and v. are moving, and thier dog has cancer and will probably die. which is awful. and i can't stand the thought of life without c. she's one of my bright spots, though even she hasn't been too bright recently. i need to get her a kickass birthday present. though i don't have any fucking money. and soon i have to get a new roommate, which is gonna be a sucky process. ugh. universe, what the fuck did i ever do to you? am in a fucking cosmic karmic debt? did i accidentally say something bad about your mother?

all i need right now is something small to make me think the world is a good place, a place i want to be in. and it would be great if it were something personal. like something specifically good for me. a raise would be nice. a boy liking me. a friend giving me an unexpected present. i don't know. i just need something. and not to ask too much or something, but maybe you could spread the joy around. we all freaking need it. so this is my plea. i just want something simply good to happen. you know what, even if tomorrow all it is is a sunny day, and i get lots of work done and i still have time for a little fun, you know, something like that. i know i have to conduct interviews, which sucks, but maybe there'll be a little time to get something done.

okay, here's something simple. tomorrow i am not going to get overwhelmed. i am going to just get as much done as i can. i'm not gonna waste tons of time and then feel bad about doing it. and if at all possible i'm going to eat my lunch in bryant park while reading frankenstein and not thinking about work. if at all possible. okay. it's a small, simple goal, but barring disasters i should be able to accomplish it. and that will be nice.

okay, universe, i'm gonna do my best. and maybe you could just deal me a good hand for a couple of days? that's all i'm asking.

thanks.
me.

so my therapist told me something along the lines of the fact that i need to recognize my current patterns in order to be able to change them. at first we talked about me keeping track of my negative thoughts and then she suggested maybe i should do my anxious ones instead.

so here's my anxious thought:
i am staring at my calendar and my brain is shutting down because it's too much. the next two months are just too fucking much. like i don't know when i'm gonna breathe. and i have to do the fun stuff, even though i dont' have time to, because i will disappear if i let work and school swallow me whole. it's like, i can already feel myself disappearing behind all the things i have to do. there's no me anymore, just to do lists and calendars and homework and deadlines and traveling and it's all a motherfucking mess. and the static in my head just makes everything worse. like i just tabbed over to the calendar and this alarm bell started going off and i had to switch away. okay, deep breath. i'm just going to think about the next two weeks. nothing else. i guess what it comes down to is i'm just gonna do as much as i can do, and then that's it. if i don't get every reading done, then fine. this is a lot, probably really more than i've ever asked of myself before, but i can do it. it will be over soon. these months will go crazy fast. so, deep breath. just think about this week, maybe next week. focus and don't get overwhelmed. in five years, none of this will really matter, probably. so it's okay. it really is.