there's this song i've been listening to obsessively recently. it's called "not your year" by the weepies. "your life feels like the morning after all year long" it talks about trying to be happy. it makes me think about my life, which you know, i've been doing a lot anyway. i keep wondering why i'm not happy and what might make me happy. then i stop and consider whether or not i am unhappy. i guess sometimes (right now maybe), i am unhappy. discontent, dissatisfied with too many aspects of my life. i'm bored and stressed and frustrated and see no end in sight. i also see no way of brightening things up. here's an awful list.

things i am currently dissatisfied with:
my job. i wish i could forget the fact that i never wanted to do what i'm doing, but i can't. going to an office every day and sitting in that fucking office and dealing with all their freaking bullshit is exactly how i never wanted to spend my life. and yes i'm going to stay there and keep doing all this, but right now i just plain don't like it. i need to figure out a way to like it. and to be better at it.

my friends. i need a best friend in new york city. i need someone to talk to everyday so that they know everything that is happening in my life. i need someone to have sleepovers with and giggle and watch bad tv and bad romantic comedies and for there to be no sexual tension. i need someone who has the time to spend with me. and who needs me too. i need someone that i can lean on. i need someone who doesn't have that whole new york attitude about friendships that means they only see their best friends every couple of weeks. i need a friend who does not have a significant other.

my apartment. my room is constantly a mess and it makes me feel like all the bits of my life are out of control. i guess i could spend tomorrow night cleaning it and that might make me feel better. i'm also stressed about the roommate leaving and having someone new move in here and how that's gonna be. i'm going to keep my fingers crossed for old roommate.

boys. actually it's just the one. no, that's not true at all. why the fuck am i so messed up that i can't just let things happen? why do i have to get all obsessed and neurotic and panicky when he doesn't call me back immediately? why do i assume that he's having sex with someone else when he doesn't answer his phone at 2 in the morning? why do i say stupid things and then hang up on him? i have never acted this stupidly before i think. and why am i so messed up over a guy that i'm sure i will never have a successful relationship with? i mean come on, he is a complete fucking mess. and as much as i tell myself that if i just love him enough he'll get his life straightend out, it's not true and is probably just plain unhealthy. i should not want to get into relationships with people that need to be "straightened out." as much as i tell myself that i like him as he is just right now, and that is true, i can't be comfortable with the way he lives his life. it's too scattered, too disorganized, too unhealthy. he drinks too much and we all know i can't deal with that. and yes, i am totally happy when i'm with him, but again, is it him or is it the fact that i have someone who so clearly likes me? can i talk to him enough? would i be friends with him if i didn't want to sleep with him? i think we could be and i probably could really talk to him, but only if we spent serious amounts of time together. which i don't see happening right now. okay, potential break up speech that i'll never actually give:
m, i like you. i really do. you make me happy. and i haven't enjoyed making out with someone so much since i was 16. but you don't seem to know what you want. you do things that are incredibly sweet and then you don't call me or you cancel plans. and i'm sure much of this is my fault since i've been such a brat he past couple of days. but i'm not healthy enough to deal with the bad stuff, as great as the good stuff is. i've just had too many guys jerk me around for extended periods of time to put up with it, even when it's just by accident. so, i guess i'd like to say that we need to cool this down. i like you and i want you, but not like this. maybe at some point in the future, when i've got my head straight and you've got your life a little more in order, we can try again.

i wonder if i told him all this, would i feel better? would my life be better without him in it? this is what i keep trying to ask people. will i feel better when i'm no longer worried if m. will call? or more accurately, worried that he won't? or will i just miss him? and want to call him immediately? because calling him when i said i won't seems to be my new forte. he's gotta be annoyed at me. i was seriously annoying today. what the fuck is wrong with me? why did i have to be the petulant brat? because i was hungover and annoyed at him? so i guess if i can find an answer to the key question i'll know what to do:

will i be happier without him in my life? and if the answer is yes, then i go ahead and stop seeing him and dont' let myself get upset about not being with him at all anymore. if the answer is no then i go ahead and keep seeing him, but with the knowledge that everything that is happening i inflicted on myself because i saw all the warning signs and didn't stop it. which of course is something i do all the time.

so what are some of my other plans to get my life to a point where i want to be in it?
tomorrow i clean my room rather than waste away in front of the tv feeling bad.
i stop buying stuff to make myself feel better and instead actually make a budget and figure this money shit out.
i consider going back to therapy.
i find things to look forward to. make a list of it.
make a decision about the m. situation. potentially even speak to him about how i'm feeling. gasp.
take cat to vet finally.
stop eating candy and actually attempt to diet and/or exercise. okay, that last bit is asking a lot, but we'll see.
stop comparing myself negatively to new girl at work.
stop listening to depressing music, especially depressing music that reminds me of boys. (what the hell will i listen to now?)
get to work before 10.
buy plane tickets home for christmas!

okay, that's enough for now. will keep writing because it seems to help.

he says he didn't come to new york to fall in love. well bully for him. i don't believe a word of it. i find it hard to believe that someone doesn't want to fall in love when they seem to be doing almost everything possible that leads to it.

okay, he drives me crazy. he did not return my phone calls (okay, once he called, but still) for a week and a half. but i see him once and that's it. i'm done for again. and he's done for again. i can totally tell.

he holds me close and smells my hair and says i smell like me. god, if that isn't classic, i'm about to fall in love, i don't know what is.

and he says he's glad i'm called. when i said i wouldn't call him. i hate to admit it, but he's got me wrapped around his little finger. i wish i could say that he was wrapped around mine too. well, i know he wants to please me. that he likes to make me happy. i don't think he'd me too terribly disappointed if he fell in love with me.

i love new york a ridiculous amount. but sometimes, i feel as if it is a bitter, mean friend that loves to hurt me. tonight i ran into the ex at a bar i've been to a million times. i was having a good night, trying to meet people with an old friend of mine. we were on a hunt for the bar with the cute boys. instead, we go into the same fucking bar as my fucking ex. i saw him immediately. i had no idea what to do so i went to the bathroom to pee because i had had to pee for 3 bars by then. and my poor slightly socially awkward friend had to stand out there with him, who's painfully socially awkward. and then i came out and looked at her and said we were leaving. we got out the door and i burst into tears. i know it's the booze. the alcohol strips away all pretenses. and without my various layers of armor, recently i have been a sad, lonely girl. one who wants to be loved and is incredibly hurt that no one in the world wants to lover her. so the sight of him, who she thought she loved, is as good as a punch to the stomach to bring tears to the eye and nausea to the gut. and i hate the fact that he knows now that he sight of him still bothers me. and it's not as if i'm completely alone. the new guy finally called me back today. i would love for the ex to see me and the new guy together. because i laugh when i with him and i kiss him a lot and i look really freaking happy. unlike tonight when i probably just looked pissed off and like i was going to puke. of all the bars in all the city we had to walk into that one. god damn it all. and now even my pride is hurt because he's going to know that the sight of him still upsets me.

to be honest right now though, i find it difficult to remember what it was like to be in that particular relationship. but i do miss being in A relationship. i wish that had been communicated by my mad dash out of the bar. stupid fucker. i hope he's miserable.

i have hopes tonight of kissing him. high, high hopes. high, apple pie in the sky hopes. wish me luck.

the thing about the beginning of anything is that you have to learn the language--the vocabulary. it's the same with a new job, a new hobby, a new relationship. because really, we speak in symbols. in veiled metaphors. especially in the beginning of a new romantic/maybe not romantic relationship. basically, what i'm trying to say is that that i don't know what the fuck is going on. things are said and are not said and i'm just so unsure. my sister says that i should just say straight out, "is there something here or are we just playing?"

because playing is what we've been doing. serious playing. seriously flirting. i've never just wanted to touch someone so bad. and not done it, i mean. what is holding us back?

is it this terrible fear that we will get hurt again? because we both have been hurt recently. seriously hurt. i have a feeling mine is easier forgotten than his. but you can't live afraid.

i can't be making all this up. he's got to like me as much as i like him. well, i don't really know how much i like him, so i'm guessing he's in that same boat too.

okay, i am not going to call him tonight, but if i don't hear from him, i will call him tomorrow.

so i saw him again today. he's becoming the bright spot in my day. when i talk to him, i smile so much that people can see it. from across the room. he gives me these looks and i just think that i'm lost. that if he doesn't kiss me soon i'm going to explode. but at the same time i am absolutely terrified.

what if this doesn't work? what if i let myself sink into this, really get wrapped up in it and then he were to leave? what if i were to get my heart broken again?