okay, my complete inability to actually have a relationship is evident once again. so what do i think i've managed to achieve by telling m. that i'm dating someone else also? i've given him flat out permission to date other people. which fucking sucks. as if i weren't paranoid about it before! my mother thinks he's been seeing or sleeping with other people all along. i don't know what to think about that. part of me wouldn't be surprised, but i think that's the part that believes all the bad things about him. tonight we hung out and i'm very glad about that, but i was so tense because he'd momentarily brought up the me seeing someone else part. and it was just there all night. we never talked about it. which again, part of me is like thank god we didn't have to bring all that up. and part of me is worried that he didn't bring it up again because he doesn't really care. but now there's no action i can do. there is NOTHING i can do. i think calling him and making him "talk" about things would just make it all a lot fucking worse. because then decisions would have to be made. right now, we can both ignore the fact that i said that and maybe continue somewhat as before. apparently i am in another relationship in which there is no communication. but then again, am i really in a relationship when we go two weeks without seeing each other or talking for more than five minutes and i start dating someone else? why the fuck did i do that? like seriously. all i did was fuck myself over. and right now it doesn't seem worth it at all. now what do i have? m. potentially hurt and mad at me going around fucking any girl he wants, another boy who seems to like me and is really sweet, but who doesn't make me nearly as happy as m. so basically now i'm gonna get my heart broken by m. while i break other boy's heart. when i knew i shouldn't have started the whole thing in the first place! FUCK! i am a fucking idiot. ugh. i really should put a moratorium on dating. but here's my new little fantasy:

m. and i stay as we are for a while. he slowly realizes i am the most important thing in his life and he is in love with me. i declare my love for him. we get together and keep making each other happy for a really long time. yes, yes, i'm in fucking lalaland. but hey, i said it was a fantasy.

like usual, i've been thinking of how most of my relationships are short and ultimately (to the general public) meaningless. according to the world, none of my relationships are long enough to count as significant. of course i think that's a load of crap because they've all been significant to me. is it kind of weird that in all my dating i haven't gotten a long relationship? not when you consider that i've managed to live my life exactly as i've wanted to live it (minus the boyfriend part), so i've clearly devoted my energy to many worthwhile things. my current professional and academic success make a case for the fact that it's not a big deal that none of my relationships have really worked out.

and when i actually go back and think about them, they were all successful in their own way and have led to who and where i am today, so i don't mind how they turned out. i'm also not completely heartbroken about not having any of those particular guys in my life now. let's take a chance to look at a couple of them.

first, there's the first boy i fell in love with. i was 16 when we dated for about 2 months. and i loved him and he felt the same. but we were very young and ultimately not well suited. as evidenced by the fact that after we broke up he did every drug imaginable. and he had i have dipped into each other's lives periodically since then. and he really does know just what to say to me. and there's something about the sweet way i talk to him that fills some particular need of his. anyway, he gave me some of my favorite memories.

during the first couple of years of college i dated a couple of boys, a few of whom i'm still good friends with. they each probably fulfilled my need at that time to like someone and to be liked by someone. they may not have been long term, but they were sweet and everyone came out of them with a couple of good memories.

more recently, there was the photographer. who i'll always wish i could have spent more time with because i loved talking to him. but he was too messed up over his ex and girls in general. he never really let me get to know him and i basically did the same. he and i never really let it get to the point of real emotion. i missed him when he was gone because there was something safe about him. maybe because he wouldn't share his emotions at all. but whatever.

then there was the ex. and really, that was a successful relationship. as successful as he would let it get. he was completely unable to communicate. this only became evident when we were already in the relationship.

and the first current one. (with m.) well, he came on hot and heavy and now it's faded off. as it should because he drinks way way too much. but still, he makes me happy. but i shouldn't get more emotionally involved with him.

anyway, i don't think there is anything wrong with my relationship history. did i pick the wrong boys? possibly. would i go back and not get involved with any of them? no. (though there are a few one night stands i would un-do if i could).

i'm not quite sure why i'm obsessed with labels. but i clearly am. tonight i started wondering what to call m. recently i was calling him "my nearly almost boyfriend." but that phrase holds within it a presumption i'm not now willing to make. and i think the word "boyfriend" might make him a little freaked out. but "the boy i'm currently seeing" is just a mouthful.

more importantly...why can't i just let it be without labeling it?

riddle me that.

i'm not a very good grown up. i ate chips and salsa and an english muffin with peanut butter and honey for dinner. i passed at least three stores full of vegetables and fruits and good stuff for me. actually went in to one and bought some pomegranets (sp?). but still i ate salsa and an english muffin for dinner. i have some nice looking plans for this weekend. and a really big paper that is going to be a right bitch. but i've decided not to stress about work for a while. and things are right with my hot mess boy. at least for today. also further proof that i'm not a very good grown up. ah, well.

i'm a mess. he's a mess. we're a perfect match, right? god, this hurts. over the weekend i wrote him a three page love letter. like an actual love letter telling him i loved him. right now he is sick and upset and so i am a mess. i didn't cry when i was mad at him, when i thought he was a shit. but now that i think he is hurt and upset i am a mess. he sent me a text asking for help. i think he is an alcoholic. i do not want to fall in love with an alcoholic. i am exactly the right type to become a sobbing doormat out of love for an alcoholic. but i think it might be too late. because everything about him makes me happy. you know, except for the drinking. i need to just get out now. i can already see the signs. but i can see what a beautiful man he really is. this is too hard.