okay, my complete inability to actually have a relationship is evident once again. so what do i think i've managed to achieve by telling m. that i'm dating someone else also? i've given him flat out permission to date other people. which fucking sucks. as if i weren't paranoid about it before! my mother thinks he's been seeing or sleeping with other people all along. i don't know what to think about that. part of me wouldn't be surprised, but i think that's the part that believes all the bad things about him. tonight we hung out and i'm very glad about that, but i was so tense because he'd momentarily brought up the me seeing someone else part. and it was just there all night. we never talked about it. which again, part of me is like thank god we didn't have to bring all that up. and part of me is worried that he didn't bring it up again because he doesn't really care. but now there's no action i can do. there is NOTHING i can do. i think calling him and making him "talk" about things would just make it all a lot fucking worse. because then decisions would have to be made. right now, we can both ignore the fact that i said that and maybe continue somewhat as before. apparently i am in another relationship in which there is no communication. but then again, am i really in a relationship when we go two weeks without seeing each other or talking for more than five minutes and i start dating someone else? why the fuck did i do that? like seriously. all i did was fuck myself over. and right now it doesn't seem worth it at all. now what do i have? m. potentially hurt and mad at me going around fucking any girl he wants, another boy who seems to like me and is really sweet, but who doesn't make me nearly as happy as m. so basically now i'm gonna get my heart broken by m. while i break other boy's heart. when i knew i shouldn't have started the whole thing in the first place! FUCK! i am a fucking idiot. ugh. i really should put a moratorium on dating. but here's my new little fantasy:

m. and i stay as we are for a while. he slowly realizes i am the most important thing in his life and he is in love with me. i declare my love for him. we get together and keep making each other happy for a really long time. yes, yes, i'm in fucking lalaland. but hey, i said it was a fantasy.