like usual, i've been thinking of how most of my relationships are short and ultimately (to the general public) meaningless. according to the world, none of my relationships are long enough to count as significant. of course i think that's a load of crap because they've all been significant to me. is it kind of weird that in all my dating i haven't gotten a long relationship? not when you consider that i've managed to live my life exactly as i've wanted to live it (minus the boyfriend part), so i've clearly devoted my energy to many worthwhile things. my current professional and academic success make a case for the fact that it's not a big deal that none of my relationships have really worked out.

and when i actually go back and think about them, they were all successful in their own way and have led to who and where i am today, so i don't mind how they turned out. i'm also not completely heartbroken about not having any of those particular guys in my life now. let's take a chance to look at a couple of them.

first, there's the first boy i fell in love with. i was 16 when we dated for about 2 months. and i loved him and he felt the same. but we were very young and ultimately not well suited. as evidenced by the fact that after we broke up he did every drug imaginable. and he had i have dipped into each other's lives periodically since then. and he really does know just what to say to me. and there's something about the sweet way i talk to him that fills some particular need of his. anyway, he gave me some of my favorite memories.

during the first couple of years of college i dated a couple of boys, a few of whom i'm still good friends with. they each probably fulfilled my need at that time to like someone and to be liked by someone. they may not have been long term, but they were sweet and everyone came out of them with a couple of good memories.

more recently, there was the photographer. who i'll always wish i could have spent more time with because i loved talking to him. but he was too messed up over his ex and girls in general. he never really let me get to know him and i basically did the same. he and i never really let it get to the point of real emotion. i missed him when he was gone because there was something safe about him. maybe because he wouldn't share his emotions at all. but whatever.

then there was the ex. and really, that was a successful relationship. as successful as he would let it get. he was completely unable to communicate. this only became evident when we were already in the relationship.

and the first current one. (with m.) well, he came on hot and heavy and now it's faded off. as it should because he drinks way way too much. but still, he makes me happy. but i shouldn't get more emotionally involved with him.

anyway, i don't think there is anything wrong with my relationship history. did i pick the wrong boys? possibly. would i go back and not get involved with any of them? no. (though there are a few one night stands i would un-do if i could).