somedays i want a depression. i want to sink down so deeply i can't see my way out. today is one of those days. because of some stupid thing, i mean boy, that i don't even know. but i'd rather, today, be down and black, then deal with actual disappointment. at least when you can't get happy at all, you just accept the bad stuff without really thinking there can be anything better.

so life. yeah, it happens. it really does sometimes, without me even trying. for some reason as i'm riding my bike up to my house i still always look up the block to see if his van is there. but i'm not even sure i'd like it to be anymore. it's easier, recently, to think of how completely incapable of having a relationship he was than the other stuff. and i realized this weekend how good rebound boys are at erasing someone from your mind. here's some life bits that happened this weekend:

first, kickball. super fucking awesome. i scored. which was the first time, and that felt great. plus, no one at kickball mentioned the other cool thing that happened this weekend, which is also cool.

so here's friday night:
i'm nervous. this is the first time hanging out with this crowd outside of kickball. and i'm still nervous that e. doesn't actually want to see my face outside of work. but hey, she didn't invite me, someone else did. so i get dressed and then still had to wait around a half hour before i leave because no one is getting to the party til real late. but i'm feeling good. i'm alone, but i look okay, and i'm excited to be hanging out with new people. fast forward: i get there, drink tons playing flip cup. enter boy s. boy s. is attractive, at least to me. he's thin and has a cute face with pretty eyes. plus, he didn't pay me tons of attention. but he wasn't ignoring me either. and then we were kissing. (alcohol has erased much of the evening) and we made out in front of everyone on kickball. which i'm ashamed of, but oh well, i was WASTED. i left and in an attempt at not alerting everyone to the fact that he was coming home with me i told him to wait five minutes, but as soon as i left all of his friends told him to go after me. so he did. and we walked to my house in a torrential downpour. and we kept stopping to kiss and the kisses tasted like rain. and then we got to my house and we dried off and basically just had every reason to strip. which neither of us minded. and what followed was fun and basically a much needed reminder that there are many many people in the world. and what's his face is clearly not the only boy in the whole fucking world. but s. was sweet. and fun. and seemed interested in really getting to know me. and i'm not really interested in attempting to have another relationship, but it was nice.

i don't want something else in which i surrender part of me. like it's gotta be fucking worth it. now i just need to get my crush, have it and let it progress slowly enough that i can't fucking get sideswiped again by heartbreak. good luck, me.

updown

sex in the city dvd arrived finally. up.
company getting sued. down.

busy day in the city tomorrow. up.
no l train. down.

lovely cat purring behind my ear. up.
dirty litter box. down.

here's a letter i want to send to him,


dear breaker of my heart,
so are you happy now? since you left, have you discovered that you you were missing? are you doing fun and adventurous things (you know, the ones you never asked me to do when we were together)? is it better, sleeping alone, after being out with your friends than being with me? have you gotten what you wanted by leaving me? gooddammit are you happy now?



the only thing is i haven't yet figured out if i want his answer to be yes or no.

so i doubt i'm going to make it through the month of august. okay, i am. in fact, all-in-all, it's been an okay month. but it's 2 weeks since and i cried today without even drinking. maybe it's cause i'm tired. i'm getting to the point where i want to call him or email him, or ride obsessively past his house on my bike. i want to see him desperately and i'm desperately afraid to see him. i want to see his face and see how i feel. i want to see him and tell him i hate him and i love him and i hate him. i want to see his face when he sees me. i miss him i miss him i miss him. it hurts, physically, thinking of him. i need to know if he misses me. but if he does, then i'm going to think he might want to get back together, which is not the best idea. i mean it is, it really is. the two of us should be together, why can't he see that? my stomach hurts, my head hurts from stunted crying, my chest hurts from missing him, my throat hurts from holding back the screams. i'm a mess. i love him. i hate him. i miss him. why won't he call? fucking a, this sucks.

i just realized, one good thing about being dumped is that you're not always worrying that you're about to be dumped. fucked up logic, but hey, i'm pretty fucked up.

i love the moon tonight. it's so low and heavy in the sky. it seems pregnant with possibilities. it reminds me that there will be many more nights in my life like tonight (which was absolutely wonderful). and knowing that life can be good is important for me to remember right now.

i had a really good day today (terrific night, good rest of the day). of course, i still thought about him every other minute. and i missed him every other time i thought about him. but i still had a really good day. and so basically, the way i'm going to get through this is to just keep going, and at some point i'll think about him every other hour, then after that it will maybe be once a day, and years from now i'll remember him casually, maybe every couple of years, and that will be okay.

so basically, as long as i don't drink, i'm okay. and if i ever have a night when i wanna be sad, i'll just buy a couple of beers or a bottle of wine and sit at home by myself where it's okay if i end up in a puddle of tears.

i fell apart again last night. apparently i cannot drink at all without the release of everything i am actually feeling. how pitiful to end up sobbing in the hallway. caught crying, eyes red on the subway. how fucking sad. and disgusting. i'm a grown woman, i shouldn't be falling apart like a teenager anymore. it's just when i'm drunk i can't be still and silent. i can't hold my head straight. it wants to shake back in forth in denial of everything. it didn't help that my other most painful ex was there. and that he felt there was no need to have my number in his phone. every man i try to love rejects it. wholeheartedly rejects it. this makes me weep in hallways. i can feel the ex next to me in everything sometimes. like i could turn my head and he would be there. i can feel his smile. he shouldn't still be with me in everything. it's funny, i feel like he's always there, but it's in the refusal of my mind to think of him. i can't think of anything but his face, there next to me, about to smile. if i start thinking of the other bits, his pale smooth body (nearly forgot his chest hair, is that a good sign?), see, i can't even go on from here. i'm caught somewhere in the memory of his blue eyes and his pale eyelashes. i am remembering a specific smile on a specific day. it's a good thing i'm not drinking right now.

i might be in danger of a depression. what can i do to stop it?

he has replaced all geography in my head. i can be nowhere unless we were there together. i do not know the world without him in it. our memories have replaced my map. and it's not just locations, it's entire streets. they are lost if i did not know him there. i am lost now.

it's been 7 days since i've seen him. and sixteen days since i've touched him. and the reality is that i still know what the curls at the top of his neck feel like. and what it felt like to lay with him after making love and just look into his face. how am i supposed to forget that? i can't. but at the same time i can't think about it. like most of the time i literally can't think about it. i guess it just hurts too much. but am i gonna end up breaking down months from now when i finally can think about it? how do you get over someone that you loved like that? or if not loved, but i don't know, someone whose face you gazed into with love? will i carry him with me always? into each new love, will he be there? i feel like i need to see him. like it's a physical need. but i can already see the fissures that the sight of him will crack and break me wide open into pieces on the floor.

i want to get hit by a large blue cargo van. correction: i already have been.

what the fuck. what is my brain doing to me? so i've been successfully not thinking about the asshole who dumped me. but instead my brain has decided to begin thinking about boys i should certainly not be thinking about. including one who recently gained a girlfriend. and who i never actually dated, but who tried to kiss me and i turned away. and this was months ago. and for some reason my avoidance behavior steers me straight to him. what the fuck. yes, i'm attracted to him and always have been. but he's got a new girlfriend! and i've never had serious feelings for him, just mild attraction. why is my mind filling him in? is this my mind's way of protecting me from thinking about the ex? should i force myself to think of him to face what's really happening here? or should i just put it out of my mind until months from now when i can't remember the shape of his face?

the things i am telling myself so that i don't feel so bad about The Break Up. warning: these are all true, mostly.

1. i never liked the way he kissed. this one is all the way true. he sucked. no passion, never made my knees week. and he never played with my bottom lip like i like.
2. he didn't last long enough in bed. it hadn't really bothered me so far because i liked having sex with him so much, but it was about to.
3. he had a completely inablity to communicate. and he knew it but never tried to change at all.
4. he wasn't affectionate enough. not verbally and not really physically either.
5. his house was dirty. and you know i shouldn't judge, but still, wipe the fucking hairs off the sink after you shave -- you're 27!
6. he was balding. if we'd stayed together i might have convinced myself it was cute, but really, it's not.
7. he never tried to make me come. nuff said about that one.
8. would have helped if he were a bit more masculine.
9. i have an inkling that he's too interested in women's clothing. he kept pointing out dresses to me, and i always pretended he meant them for me, but i really think he was picturing himself in them.
10. how bout his complete inability to really have a relationship?

the thing is, it just doesn't make sense. like not at all. he says he broke up with me because he wants to have more heterogenous experiences, while i prefer a more homogenous existence. basically, because i don't want to try new things. which is actually bullshit. plus, he never really tried new things. he had just as much of a fucking routine as i did. and i'm pretty sure he's had this routine for long before i met him. but somehow, he has this image of himself as being this adventurous, try new things kinda guy, while i'm a stick-in-the-mud homebody. so yes, i like to watch tv. and i order the exact same thing every time i go to a particular restaurant. but fucking a. many many people in the world enjoy tv. and my food thing is because when i find something i really like, i'm loyal. this is why i've worn the same brand of sneakers for eight years. and it's part of the reason why i don't cheat on boyfriends. it's called a quirk. and i'm generally interested in trying new foods, as long as i know what they are. at the polish place, i'm too confused by the menu to try brand new things. so there. and i would have loved to go to that concert with you, but i didn't want to say so because i was afraid you didn't want me there. and that day that i got upset was just a freaking bad day. so fuck you. i'm fucking adventurous you judgemental freak.

stupid me.

i wasn't tired, but wanted to check out. so i took a tylenol with codeine. so now i'm half checked out and blogging. stupid girl.

getting so unceremoniously dumped has been difficult to deal with. in that, i don't know how to deal with it. people must realize i'm really upset because i won't talk about it. clue: if someone who talks about everything shuts up about a particular subject, worry. no one, however, seems worried. which makes me think they're dumb. actually, they're just doing what i ask by not bringing it up. which is nice of them. today i finally feel like talking about it, but i'm not sure who to talk to. my mom isn't very good at this stuff, my sister is on her honeymoon, and i'm unsure of the strength of most of the rest of my friendships. the ones that i'm confident are okay never met him. and it's hard to talk about someone they never met. ugh.

so, confession: here are some of the stupid crazy girl-who-just-got-dumped things i have been thinking about doing but have thus far successfully restrained myself:
taking the meager pile of his things and lighting them on fire, potentially on his doorstep.
spraypainting nasty/desperate things on his vehicle.
spending every day in a drugged/drunk haze (okay, i got wasted on thursday and took a pill tonight, but hey, the drunk thing was an accident.
using this as an excuse to not get out of bed
using this as an excuse to sleep with every man in sight to prove that his isn't the only face that is beautiful in bed.
sending him text messages that repeatedly express my utter disgust in his behavior.
drunk dialing ex boyfriends for a sympathy fuck.
killing myself. i have thought about how much i don't want to exist right now exactly 15,645,342 times since he said he couldn't be in this relationship anymore. though, really, i think that just getting hit by a car on my bike and going into a coma would be the best option. by the time i wake up he won't be a big deal anymore, right?

okay, that's pretty extreme for a relationship that lasted 3.5 months. but since it was my longest, my sweetest, and now i'm alone again, i feel relatively justified.