i fell apart again last night. apparently i cannot drink at all without the release of everything i am actually feeling. how pitiful to end up sobbing in the hallway. caught crying, eyes red on the subway. how fucking sad. and disgusting. i'm a grown woman, i shouldn't be falling apart like a teenager anymore. it's just when i'm drunk i can't be still and silent. i can't hold my head straight. it wants to shake back in forth in denial of everything. it didn't help that my other most painful ex was there. and that he felt there was no need to have my number in his phone. every man i try to love rejects it. wholeheartedly rejects it. this makes me weep in hallways. i can feel the ex next to me in everything sometimes. like i could turn my head and he would be there. i can feel his smile. he shouldn't still be with me in everything. it's funny, i feel like he's always there, but it's in the refusal of my mind to think of him. i can't think of anything but his face, there next to me, about to smile. if i start thinking of the other bits, his pale smooth body (nearly forgot his chest hair, is that a good sign?), see, i can't even go on from here. i'm caught somewhere in the memory of his blue eyes and his pale eyelashes. i am remembering a specific smile on a specific day. it's a good thing i'm not drinking right now.

i might be in danger of a depression. what can i do to stop it?