it's been 7 days since i've seen him. and sixteen days since i've touched him. and the reality is that i still know what the curls at the top of his neck feel like. and what it felt like to lay with him after making love and just look into his face. how am i supposed to forget that? i can't. but at the same time i can't think about it. like most of the time i literally can't think about it. i guess it just hurts too much. but am i gonna end up breaking down months from now when i finally can think about it? how do you get over someone that you loved like that? or if not loved, but i don't know, someone whose face you gazed into with love? will i carry him with me always? into each new love, will he be there? i feel like i need to see him. like it's a physical need. but i can already see the fissures that the sight of him will crack and break me wide open into pieces on the floor.

i want to get hit by a large blue cargo van. correction: i already have been.