dear universe,

did i do something to you? like did i fuck you over in some huge catastrophic way? or did i just annoy so you feel like fucking with me a little, i mean a lot? why is it that myself and everyone around me is fucking miserable? why do we all hate our lives? is no one happy? maybe it's just march or something. maybe no one is supposed to be happy this time of year. it's a bit ridiculous though. the sheer extent of shit that's being flung at my fan. the depression, the anxiety, the stress, the no money, the no boyfriend, the family and best friend far away, the sheer discontent. and it's not like it's just me. everyone around me is fucking falling to pieces. sure, the roommate is getting married. but she's not even thinking about it. and then there's c. and the broken heartedness that she tried to drink away all week. i think she might be done drinking for a little bit, but who knows? she's probably not learned the freaking things she needed to learn from this mess. and then there's k. with her fucked up crazy boyfriend, her aloneness, and then to top it off you, universe, keep fucking with her health. and not just anything, but her babymaking parts. so she's got this anxiety. and my brother is all manners of fucked up, but we knew that, but then you have to make his fiance fucking sick too. and a. is breaking up with her boyfriend, and she's sad and lonely and miserable too. and the company isn't doing as well as we hoped, which is scary. because i'm fucking in charge of marketing and so if our sales don't keep going up it's my fucking fault. and i swear since i fucking started therapy things have gotten a hell of a lot worse and i'm just fucking paralyzed and unable to do anything! and my foot hurts. and it seems like a small thing, but it makes the day suck just that much more. and what is this, i'm running a fucking company and i don't have any money? like come on. less than 200 fucking dollars in my checking account. where the fuck does it all go? maybe to cab rides home for puking sick drunk friends. and c. and v. are moving, and thier dog has cancer and will probably die. which is awful. and i can't stand the thought of life without c. she's one of my bright spots, though even she hasn't been too bright recently. i need to get her a kickass birthday present. though i don't have any fucking money. and soon i have to get a new roommate, which is gonna be a sucky process. ugh. universe, what the fuck did i ever do to you? am in a fucking cosmic karmic debt? did i accidentally say something bad about your mother?

all i need right now is something small to make me think the world is a good place, a place i want to be in. and it would be great if it were something personal. like something specifically good for me. a raise would be nice. a boy liking me. a friend giving me an unexpected present. i don't know. i just need something. and not to ask too much or something, but maybe you could spread the joy around. we all freaking need it. so this is my plea. i just want something simply good to happen. you know what, even if tomorrow all it is is a sunny day, and i get lots of work done and i still have time for a little fun, you know, something like that. i know i have to conduct interviews, which sucks, but maybe there'll be a little time to get something done.

okay, here's something simple. tomorrow i am not going to get overwhelmed. i am going to just get as much done as i can. i'm not gonna waste tons of time and then feel bad about doing it. and if at all possible i'm going to eat my lunch in bryant park while reading frankenstein and not thinking about work. if at all possible. okay. it's a small, simple goal, but barring disasters i should be able to accomplish it. and that will be nice.

okay, universe, i'm gonna do my best. and maybe you could just deal me a good hand for a couple of days? that's all i'm asking.

thanks.
me.