so my therapist told me something along the lines of the fact that i need to recognize my current patterns in order to be able to change them. at first we talked about me keeping track of my negative thoughts and then she suggested maybe i should do my anxious ones instead.

so here's my anxious thought:
i am staring at my calendar and my brain is shutting down because it's too much. the next two months are just too fucking much. like i don't know when i'm gonna breathe. and i have to do the fun stuff, even though i dont' have time to, because i will disappear if i let work and school swallow me whole. it's like, i can already feel myself disappearing behind all the things i have to do. there's no me anymore, just to do lists and calendars and homework and deadlines and traveling and it's all a motherfucking mess. and the static in my head just makes everything worse. like i just tabbed over to the calendar and this alarm bell started going off and i had to switch away. okay, deep breath. i'm just going to think about the next two weeks. nothing else. i guess what it comes down to is i'm just gonna do as much as i can do, and then that's it. if i don't get every reading done, then fine. this is a lot, probably really more than i've ever asked of myself before, but i can do it. it will be over soon. these months will go crazy fast. so, deep breath. just think about this week, maybe next week. focus and don't get overwhelmed. in five years, none of this will really matter, probably. so it's okay. it really is.